I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
