Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
