Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize