cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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