you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
