sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
