FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
