a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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