i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
