i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
