you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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