shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
