I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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