He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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