Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
