Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My hand turned me down
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
