There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
