he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
