Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize