I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I fill condoms, not promises.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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