You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
