just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
