if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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