Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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