There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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