I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
