everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
