My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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