let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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