well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
