i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
