I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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