i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
