There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
