During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
