you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
