I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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