her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
