When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
