I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
