You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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