you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
