I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
