It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
