I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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