you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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