There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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