1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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