It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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