You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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