I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
