Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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