she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Randomize
