My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
