ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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