There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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