chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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