i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
