also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
