we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
