Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
