I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
