just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
even my farts smell like vagina
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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